Hello and welcome to my yearly blog post, where I tell you about whatever shitty thing is currently going on in my life! If you've seen my instagram, this is just going to be a lengthened version of my most recent post there. I like keeping you all in the loop whenever things are happening in my life, and as I always say, writing feels therapeutic to me. So here it is-
(TW: talking about death and weight)
Life hasn’t been pretty for me lately. It’s just been one bad thing after another, after another, and this time the bad thing made me stare death right in the face. I have have clostridium difficile. A.K.A. C. Diff. It’s a bacteria in the gut that releases toxins. It gave me diarrhea for THIRTEEN days straight. It also caused excruciating pain.
The thing is, I’m not so good with pain, because I always tell myself it’s really not that bad and that I should just try to push through it. But I was crying from the pain. I literally thought I was going to die, because I felt so awful. The worst part was that I got to a point where I almost felt like I’d give up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted it to end. It was really strange to be at that point, because lately I have been doing well in regard to my mental health. The pain was so overpowering though.
My mom convinced me to go to the E.R. finally, after 10 days of this, and I got the diagnosis. C. Diff. is dangerous and extremely contagious. I might never have my digestive system go back to normal. Most people have never even heard of it. Who knows how I got it, but it seems like it decided to take over after the recent round of antibiotics I took for strep throat. Apparently the bacteria can live in your gut without causing harm, but if you don't have any good bacteria to overpower it, it decides to start producing spores that release toxins (something along those lines anyway). The toxins are what really cause all the problems. Damn those toxins!
Besides the excruciating pain, I was going to the bathroom upwards of ten times a day, and I had nausea which made it difficult to eat. I lost a lot of weight. I am scarily thin, at a little less than 100 pounds. I haven’t weighed this little since I was 12 years old. I can see my bones, and I’ve just watched myself wasting away. It has been terrifying. I mean, I love that spooky season is coming up, but I don't need to be the skeleton myself! (Please excuse me for trying to lighten the mood with this AWFUL joke).
Anyway, I’m getting better now. I am finally eating full size meals again, but the food is bland and boring (it has to be since my GI tract is still sensitive) which makes me really sad. I am a gastronome. What is life without delicious food? I actually got angry a couple days ago when my mom said I couldn't have something I wanted to eat. I cried because of it. My mom was absolutely right, but it just crushed me to not be able to eat something with flavour. She has been so amazing during this whole thing. I keep coming up with things I'm allowed to eat that might be tastier, and she keeps making them for me. I wanted chicken and dumplings, and she immediately just got to cooking. I seriously cannot believe how lucky I am to have a mom like her. She has been working her ass off to keep me healthy, and to stop the spread of my nasty germs. She bleached my whole bathroom yesterday. I honestly don't know how she does it all. I think I just have Supermom.
Speaking of bleaching, the bacteria can live on surfaces for months. This means that we have to try to kill all of it to reduce the chance of me getting it again. Although there’s a 1 in 5 chance that my infection won’t even go away the first time. That’s pretty stressful to think about, but then I realized that means there’s an 80% chance that it will go away. Thinking about it that way makes me feel better. If it does go away, then we need to reduce all other future chances of contact with it, which will mean bleaching the bathroom again and bleaching my room.
It's all just been a lot on my mind. My therapist said that sometimes it can be a good thing to look our fear of death right in the face. I'm certainly learning a lot about myself through this situation. I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of life. I have to say, pissing yourself multiple times in a day is whatever, but NOBODY should have the experience of shitting themselves more than one time in a day. What kind of all loving god does that to someone?! What a cruel joke. I will say that this experience has made me so much more thankful for adult diapers. I guess this experience has also shown me that shit happens (literally), and there is no reason to be embarrassed about something that could happen to literally anyone. I think society is too uptight about bodily functions sometimes. It reminds me of a book that my nurse, Naomi, gave me while I was in C.H.O.- Everyone Poops (thanks again, Naomi!). Everyone should read that book so that people stop being so uncomfortable. I'm done being uncomfortable with my body. I'm done hiding or feeling ashamed because I have to deal with things that society views as weird. These things are not weird.
I suppose I don't have much more to say for right now, except that I hope this infection goes away and stays away. I also hope that anyone reading this knows that even during times when we feel like we are alone in our experiences, there is always someone out there going through something similar.
Love to all, and until next time.
