It has been a month since I have written. So what the hell exactly happened? I actually wrote a blog but never posted it for some reason. Likely because it didn't feel finished, and life got in the way. What I mean by that is that since my last post, a LOT has happened. I have gone to some cool places, I've had guy problems, I have made a ridiculous amount of new friends, whom I can barely keep track of, and oh right, I got sick for a week with a really bad throat infection and had to spend the night in the hospital since my fever wouldn't go down. Then I started class and had a bunch of issues with registration, because I was supposed to have help with it, but then I got sick when I was supposed to receive that help, and then it was all very confusing.
So let's start with cool places. I went to the Cannstater Volksfest (similar to Oktoberfest, and during the same time) in Stuttgart, and had the time of my life. I was so exhausted and freezing cold by the end of the day, and my body was very sore, but it was totally worth it. I went on a couple rides, and one was so fast that all of us agreed it was not very pleasant. I literally got bruises from being thrown around on the ride, but it was an experience nonetheless. When it ended, one of the workers had to lift me out of the seat and carry me off the ride because I was so dizzy. It was actually kind of hilarious. I also went to the Ritter Sport museum in Waldenbuch, which is a chocolate factory/museum. I bought way too much chocolate, and the museum was actually closed, but there was still a pretty interesting exhibition that my friends and I got to see.
Now, about the hospital. Based on this one experience, I'm going to say that German hospitals are amazing. They are so clean and the workers are all super nice. I also was seen by a doctor almost immediately which is very different from the time I waited like eight hours to see a doctor in Long Beach (I am not even kidding). They also were able to finally get my fever to stay down with a magical medication called Novalgin, which as it turns out, is banned in the US. I must say, I felt kind of like a badass taking it. I also had this crazy nurse while I was there, and she kept telling me all this stuff about my paralysis, which to be quite honest was borderline offensive. Just a tip- don't tell people with paralysis that you know what will heal them, because Jesus hasn't fixed me yet, and he's not going to fix me over night, and your magical diet pills ARE NOT MAGIC. I have heard it all too many times, and it's just rude, so don't do it.
Anyway, now you can hear about my guy problems, because I am an open book, and honestly nobody is gonna judge me harder that I will, so why not write about them? Of course me being a typical 21 year old I am frequently on the prowl. I should add that before I came here I basically spent the last two years enjoying my singleness, and pretty much avoiding men altogether. I think it was great for me, because, first of all, my last relationship was really horrible, and I just needed to get over it and work on my anxiety and depression. Secondly, that time really gave me a lot of confidence to do things alone, and I have to say, when you aren't constantly worrying about looking cute for other people or trying to impress others, you get to do that stuff for yourself, and be who you want to be. However, I finally decided it was time for me to get back into the dating game, and what better place to do that than in another country?
Well, I have met a few awesome (and very cute) guys, and also have had to shut down a lot of other creepy ones. Drunk guys in bars can be so annoying. I had this plan to just be casual and have fun while I am here, and it was working for awhile. I've kissed a few guys so far (making out is fun, and I am convinced that anyone who thinks otherwise is just doing it wrong), but then of course I met a really nice one who I actually like, so I think I'm gonna see where that goes.
But I mentioned guy problems before, so let me explain that. I guess the main problem I have been having is confidence. It's strange because generally I think I am a pretty confident person, but for some reason when it comes to dating, all my confidence just goes out the window. I also still apparently have really bad dating anxiety. For example, I invited my friends over to my apartment the other day, and the guy I like was the first one to show up. I weirdly started to panic, which basically makes me get really quiet and get kinda sick to my stomach, and it also makes me feel like I can't breathe normally. I'm not sure why it happens, but luckily my friends showed up pretty soon after, and then I calmed down after a bit. Also, according to my friend it isn't that noticeable, which is good. Having anxiety is not easy, and I don't usually share with that many people just how bad my anxiety can get, but I'm glad I am writing about it, because maybe someone else will see this and realize they aren't alone.
So while I am at it, I may as well mention that sometimes I have panic attacks, and get very anxious about dying, or not being able to breathe. Some of it is PTSD-driven I think. Some of it is caused by the knowledge that some of the medications I take could potentially kill me if I were to develop certain side effects. I worry about UTI's and having a relapse which makes my paralysis worse. I've always had anxiety, pre- and post- Transverse Myelitis, but I think over the years I have learned better ways to cope with it and prevent panic attacks. One thing that has really helped me is knowing that so many other people also deal with things like this. Because the thing is, it really makes you feel like you are crazy, and completely alone, but in reality so many people have anxiety, it's just that not everyone talks about it.
Anywhoodle my noodle, this post has taken a bit of a turn, and I could say so much more, but I think I will end it here. I will also tell you about my classes in the next post, because I don't actually start one of them until next week. Until next time, you beautiful humans.
