Hi beautiful people,
it's been a while. Today I felt like writing, and I think the topic I'm about to write about is a very important one, especially during these trying times of COVID-19 (and the recent election). A lot has happened this year for all of us. A lot has happened for me. (TW: depression, anxiety, suicide).
Since I was in high school, I have dealt with anxiety and depression during various times of my life. Generally, I am the type of person who always tries to see a bright side in everything, but as many people know, depression can make that very difficult, if not impossible, to do. Back in March, I lost my wonderful grandma to complications from cancer, and all of the COVID stuff started really getting crazy right at the same time. I truly was so overwhelmed at the time, that I thought I had reached my pain threshold. I kept thinking every day that things could not possibly get worse, but they did over and over again.
It felt like the world was spinning around me, and all I could do was keep moving forward with time. Luckily for, me I had wonderful support. However, a lot has happened since then, and I don't need to get in to all of the details, but after everything that happened with my ex-boyfriend, my mental health became the worst ever. I really did not know that I could feel that way. I think I had reached my pain limit for a while, and any other thing could have pushed me over the edge. Unfortunately, it was not just a small thing, so I did not just get a bit worse, I got significantly worse.
I could barely move for like a week. I was so sick to my stomach with anxiety, that I barely ate anything for the whole week, and I ended up losing a lot of weight. I weighed only 100 pounds. I have not weighed so little since I was about 12 years old. It honestly is pretty scary to think about. I slept a lot, and I cried a lot, and I started to wish I didn't exist anymore. I should perhaps clarify that my thoughts were never really suicidal, just feeling like I wished the world would swallow me up one day, and all the pain would be gone. I recognized that these feelings were not healthy, and the week prior I had seen my doctor, who had suggested trying antidepressants for a little while at least until I could get set up with a therapist. I told my doctor I did not want to go on medicine, because I didn't think I needed it. After that horrible week however, I decided maybe her suggestion was a good one.
I saw my doctor again, and she prescribed an antidepressant for me. The first day, I was absolutely miserable. I was so sick to my stomach I couldn't get out of bed or eat a single thing all day. Finally, I took some Pepto-Bismol, and thank goodness it actually helped. After that, each day was much better, physically. My doctor said I probably wouldn't notice a change mentally for a few weeks. Of course, naturally things got a bit easier each day, but I was still so incredibly depressed, and my thoughts were still very unhealthy.
Today, I am three weeks in, and I actually have been feeling better. I don't feel perfect, and I still have very difficult times, and times of deep depression, but not nearly as often. The feelings are manageable now. If you know me, you know I love music, and I love to sing all the time. There is almost always a song running through my head. When I get extremely depressed, the music stops. A few days ago the music returned. I have actually been laughing and smiling and dancing, and it feels good.
I mainly just wanted to write this, because I was really against taking antidepressants before. Antidepressants are helping me deal with these difficult times, and the fact is, I needed the help. I'm hopeful to not need them for long, and I think once I get a therapist, that will really help me as well, so I will be able to go off of them.
I wanted to share this, because while mental health is being talked about more these days, I believe it is still very stigmatized, and I want to show that it is a lot more common than we think for people to have mental health issues. I also wanted to show that it is okay to ask for help, and it's okay to recognize that you need help.
Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me through all of my tough times (and through all the good times as well!).
Lots of love,
Kimberlee
