How I Feel About Love

TW: Mentions of depression, self-harm, anxiety, panic attacks, and death. 

Love is such a weird thing. So complicated and beautiful. 

I've been deeply in love twice before. Somehow both experiences were entirely different feelings of love. The first time was exciting, and new, and passionate. It was a fiery kind of love, but also the kind filled with daydreams about my wedding one day. It was like I was blind in love. I don't want my relationships like that. All fairytale, and in your head, just walking straight into heartbreak of some sort. I was obsessed. Like he was the best thing on the face of the planet. It wasn't healthy, but hey, I was fifteen. 

That break up destroyed me then. Or at least I thought so. I didn't really date anyone for years after that. I could never bring myself to actually go on a date. In college I tried to date, but I would have massive anxiety whenever I tried to go on dates. I would make myself physically sick from anxiety. I would cry to my mom that something must be wrong with me, because I was practically incapable of going on a date. 

I moved to Germany when I was 21. Something about the experience made me more confident in myself than ever before. I started casually dating people, and I had a great time. I also told myself I was not going to get in a relationship with someone while I was studying abroad, because I didn't want to have to do long-distance. It just seemed like getting into a relationship in a foreign country was a sure way to get heartbroken. With no serious intentions with anyone, I didn't have anxiety about dating. 

Then after about a year in Germany, I met him. He was persistent. He knew he wanted me. There was something about him that just allowed me to let him in. He was kinda dorky, but in a charming way, and his eyebrows were over-plucked, and he spiked up his hair. He was kind of unexpected. Maybe not exactly someone who I would have thought of in that way before. 

I was showing my friend how to use Tinder (the dating app), and as I was swiping, I saw him. We had met before one time. I thought to myself something along the lines of, "meh, why not." I didn't really think much of it until he messaged me. It felt pretty quick after that. The more time I was around him the more I wanted to be around him. I really liked him a lot, but I wasn't intoxicated by him. I was nervous around him on our first date. We went to a market, and I remember almost having a panic attack. I told him about my anxiety, and he was great about it. He took things as slow as I needed, and my anxiety went away. We were together almost a year. 

I have never been myself so much around another human. He saw me in all of my moments. He was my best friend and so much more. I could tell him my biggest fears and share every piece of me without fear of judgement. I never loved someone like that ever before. It was real love. Not that silly high school bullshit. I knew his flaws and loved him anyway. (We did fix the eyebrows though, haha). 

After breaking up, my world shattered. I shattered. I genuinely thought I could never be put back together. It was like the air was taken from my lungs. Something inside of me just snapped. I can't even say it's fully  better now. I'm still wounded, but I'm over the big stuff. I couldn't stop crying. For months, I just cried every day. I started self-harming. I think it was a control thing. Something I was in charge of. They were straight and uniform, like tally marks on a chalkboard. It wasn't about the pain, because I don't even have normal pain sensation on my thigh. I literally prayed I wouldn't wake up in the mornings. I'm not even religious. I had never been in such a dark place before. 

I started taking Lexapro. It helped me get back on my feet, so to speak (insert paralysis joke here). I started going to weekly cognitive behavioural therapy as well. Both made me functional again. It's been two, very long years. During my first year back home from Germany, I had crippling depression. Then this past year I have had an overwhelming amount of anxiety. I was not living my life anymore. I felt like I was crazy, and like nobody liked me. I felt worse than before, but in a very different way. I went from almost emotionless other than crying, to overemotional and high-intensity and panic attacks for a year. There was a phase in between those where I was doing quite well, and thought I was "back to normal" again. It obviously didn't last. Now that I am back on my medication, I am great again. 

I have been thinking so much more clearly about things lately. Not being clouded by crazy emotions. I was having a lot of highs and lows before. Now I'm mainly having highs, or at least being more positive about things that would've upset me before. I'm able to look at the "bright side" of things more easily now. 

I think about love sometimes. For a long time I felt like I would and could never love again. I would never love someone like that again, and nobody could ever really love me anyway. That was bullshit. I am lovable, and deserving of being in love again. He wasn't my "one great love" never to get another. It has been a great revelation. 

I am finally open to that love. Ready to fall into it without hesitating so much. I could only get to this point by letting go of the anger and pain first. I needed to find the bright side of a thunderstorm-of-a-situation to fully move forward. I finally did. 

Even though things ended horribly, I feel so fortunate to have loved someone so fiercely. Whether or not he really loved me the same doesn't matter. I learned the true depths of love that I am capable of. It is the most beautiful thing to realize how much love you can have in your heart. I learned so much about myself from that experience, and that is worth all the pain I felt. I am stronger than ever before, and I know what I deserve. 

In the last year, I have only been interested in like 3 people enough to even consider anything more than platonic friendship. After the first two people, I really felt like I was unloveable. But now I think it is possible again. I'm ready for it sometime, when it's ready for me. In the meantime, I'm just happy with the ride. 

I know this blog isn't my typical life update, but it is something important that has been on my mind, so I wanted to share my thoughts. If you stuck around to this point, thanks for the support! I'll try to write again soon.