Bedside Tables Make Me Happy

TW: Discusses depression/suicide

Wow! It's been two months since I've written, and boy were there a lot of ups and downs. At first I stopped writing because things were really hard, but lately things have just been good. Not like amazing. But good enough.

When I have my lows, they are low, like, I-wanna-die low. My antidepressants made those thoughts go away mostly. But every once in a while, something awful happens, and it's like I'm suddenly reminded of every other awful time in my life. It all rushes back to me at once. Since my antidepressants, I would only feel really low a handful of times a month, but they also were more like fleeting thoughts, or at most I'd feel that way for an hour or two. But not days on end. I can get myself out of that headspace more easily now. But the thoughts would still occasionally come. 

I would like to mention that I am not, nor have I ever been suicidal. The thoughts are more like please god just let me be done. Or perhaps like maybe if I'm lucky someone will plow into me while I'm driving. They are awful thoughts. But they happen. 

The thing is, I don't really think they've happened at all in the last month. I've just felt fine. Happy with the day-in-day-out. I have been really enjoying the little things. I enjoyed the rain. I enjoyed hot cocoa. I reorganized the furniture in my room (don't ask me how, it was a struggle, but I did it, and I was proud), and it made me really happy. I have a new (to me) bedside table and I love it. It's bigger so I put candles on it, and it has a shelf (cubby?) for my current books and some extra crossword puzzles. It has literally made me smile every day since I put it in my room. Who knew I could be so happy about a new bedside table?

I think the awful month before this last one somehow changed my mindset. It kind of opened my eyes to certain things in life. Maybe it just put things into perspective for me. I don't know. It did remind me a bit of how badly I struggled before my antidepressants. I've come far, and I've been doing a lot better, and I am thankful to be in a space mentally where I can once again just appreciate life itself. 

So that's my update. That's where I'm at. Just happy to go along for the ride. And I'm happy to share that ride with you all again now. Hopefully that means I'll be writing more often again, because I do enjoy sharing my life with people, and hearing others' thoughts about what I write. 

Until the next one-