Little Miss Lexapro

Almost two years ago, my life changed. I moved halfway across the world, back to my hometown. As if that wasn't enough, I also experienced the greatest heartbreak of my life thus far. I was broken, but I got better.

I was on antidepressants for a little over a year, but have been off of them for about 10 months. They saved me. I lost myself, and they helped me find my way back. I took them for the deep depression I had been in. I am not depressed anymore. Not like that. I am happy to be alive. Yet at the same time I have not been happy.

Instead, I have been anxious. Approximately four months ago I had the first of many panic attacks in a long time. It lasted a whole day, and even when the panic attack stopped, the anxiety didn't. After some days, it faded. Maybe it was a couple weeks, I don't really remember. Since that time I have consistently been having panic attacks and anxiety pretty much every week.

Most of the anxiety revolves around my health. I don't know how to stop it. I sprained my knee a few months ago and then pulled my back muscles at the same time. I felt so awful, it sent me into a spiral. I went to the hospital for muscle spasms, and they were concerned I was having a relapse of Transverse Myelitis. I was not worried about it, but it was still stressful. The MRI tech went home already so they decided to give me a CT scan. On that scan they found a nodule in my lung. Another thing to worry about. 

If it's nothing, it's nothing. If it's something, it's probably cancer. That's scary, but they said there was a 90% chance it was nothing. You cannot give those odds to someone with a rare disease. I have beat odds before. In bad ways and good ways. Percentages don't mean shit to me. Somehow I didn't let myself obsess over it.

Two months later, I got another CT scan. "The nodules look good. No cause for concern," they said. Nodules. Plural. There was only one on the previous scan. I pointed out that fact, and was told my scans would be sent to a pulmonologist for review. Cue me worrying. After a couple long days, my amazing doctor (really, she is incredible already just as a resident) called me at like 7PM and told me that everything truly was good. Turns out the first scan just cut off before the other nodules could be seen. They likely were there all along, and are so small that they don't think they are anything to worry about. Relief. Or so you'd think.

Recently I had a migraine that caused temporary kaleidoscope vision and peripheral vision loss. It was terrifying. I felt like I couldn't catch a break. It's like my body hates me. I started to feel lost again. This time, not in depression, but anxiety. I didn't feel like myself at all. I was consumed by the anxiety and panic. I finally broke.

It's been a week since then. I called my doctor and immediately started back on my antidepressants. They work for anxiety too. Hopefully I will notice the full effect in a month or so. The side effects have actually already inadvertently helped with my anxiety. Can't have intrusive, obsessive thoughts when you are spaced out. Or when you are so nauseated all you can think of is trying not to vomit. Today the nausea finally calmed down. I have an appointment with my doctor in the morning, where I will ask her to help me find a new therapist. I feel optimistic for the first time in a while. I am feeling like I'm getting myself back.

I think the main thing I have come to realize with all of this is that I might just be a lexapro lady. I stopped taking it because I felt like I had something to prove. I wanted to show myself that I didn't need medicine to be happy, but off of it I felt like my brain wasn't mine anymore. 

It's okay if I need the medicine. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I take medicine for my bladder, and I've never felt like I needed to prove my bladder worked just fine without it. So why do that with my brain? I need the stability that lexapro provides me, so that I can enjoy life and live in the moment. It's okay. I'm not broken. I just need a little help, and I am glad I am finally accepting that help again.