The first thing I'd like to say to start this blog is that I sincerely apologize for not having written in a long time. I also would like to say that this post is probably going to get deep and emotional, so if you were looking for some light reading now would be the time to back out.
Let's start with the happy stuff. I love Long Beach. The weather here is incredible and I have made so many wonderful friends since I've moved here. I am currently learning my third and fourth languages, and while it is a huge challenge to try and know four languages, I am working hard to do it. For those of you who do not know, I know English and Spanish already (my Spanish isn't perfect, but I feel pretty confident with it), but now I am learning German, which is extremely difficult and definitely the hardest language yet, and I am learning Italian, which I'm actually picking up fairly easily because of my knowledge of Spanish. I also have been doing really well in physical therapy. Just to give you all an example, in the time from the beginning of last semester to the end of last semester I more than doubled my walking time and distance. I also have regained some mobility in my left foot that I did not have before- hooray for nerves reconnecting! I also have some pretty sexy arm muscles now, but enough bragging about myself.
Now for the less than wonderful things that have been happening in my life. Since I have started this semester I have been on and off sick. First I had anxiety for a week, then I had a cold for a few weeks, then I had an ear infection which was caused by the cold, and then I got a bladder infection. The woman who informed me of my bladder infection gave me bad news and said that the bacteria in my bladder is resistant to nearly all antibiotics except IV antibiotics. So naturally, I freaked out and thought that meant it was some kind of super bacteria that would kill me. Turns out, that lady, who apparently is not even a doctor but is some kind of assistant, did not know what she was talking about and terrified me for no reason. So I took some antibiotics and now I no longer have a bladder infection! Being sick has made my anxiety worse, and to top it off I got to add heartbreak to the mix, so I have been EMOTIONAL.
I don't know if many of you know, but I used to have pretty bad depression in high school, which I would mask with fake smiles and fake happiness. Interestingly enough, the thing that made me get out of my depression was my paralysis, because it made me realize how valuable my life is and that I do not want to waste it being sad all the time. Even though I have been dealing with some tough things lately, I am so proud to say that I have not gone back to that place. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just slip back into it, but I have been pushing through. Even though sometimes it feels like the world is falling apart around me I can honestly say I am still happy. Yes, things suck sometimes, and I have been crying a lot more lately, but there is no shame in that. I feel so much happier when I allow myself to feel all of my emotions, be they good or bad. No matter what though, for my own sanity, I try to always see the bright side of things.
Through all of this I have realized how lucky I am to be surrounded by such amazing, supportive people. I wish I could hug all of you. I have the most amazing family and friends both here in Long Beach and back home. To my roommate Maria, if you are reading this, I love you so much, and thank you for being my family here, because I have no idea what I would do without you. And to everyone else, thank you for continuously being there for me and loving me for all that I am. I am not perfect, and I have a lot that I have to deal with on a regular basis, and I am so lucky to have such incredible people in my life.
I have so many things I want to share with you all about my life, but in truth it is hard to be vulnerable and let people see exactly how you are feeling. However, I will share as much as I possibly can with you because I like letting you into my daily life and because it's actually quite therapeutic to write.
Until my next blog, I love you all so much.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Weird Guys and Bad Lies
Story time! In a previous blog I said I would write about past events every once in a while, so that is what I am doing. This is one of the most bizarre things that happened to me last semester. I hope you enjoy.
I was sitting at the bus stop reading a book, when all of a sudden I realized someone was talking to me. So I looked up and it was some guy. He had short, curly hair and a lot of acne, and right away he seemed pretty odd. First he was telling me how he was almost born blind (I think he was trying to relate with my disability in a weird way), but then he said he thought being born blind would be no big deal and that he could've handled it, which was frustrating because he was TOTALLY undermining the struggles that people with disabilities have. Then he started talking to me about the school shuttles, which all students get to ride for free, and says how it's pretty great getting to ride it for free. Just as I was about to agree with him he says, "yeah people in wheelchairs get everything for free" (and in my head I'm thinking, you know, except for the ability to WALK). I was pretty shocked when he said that, but I kept my cool and just tried to be polite, because something definitely seemed to be off with him. To be honest, I felt a bit like I was talking to a little kid; I kept smiling and nodding to what he was saying and trying to be nice, but I just wanted to leave. Finally the shuttle came to my rescue and I left, slightly frustrated.
The next day, I was again at the bus stop trying to head back to the dorms. I had my headphones in and had completely forgotten about what had happened the previous day when suddenly I hear someone talking to me. It was the same, strange guy that I had talked to the day before. This time he told me how he had been wondering if he would see me again at the bus stop and how he was shocked that it had actually happened. He started talking about how he doesn't see many people in wheelchairs and how when he does, typically they are men. He said it surprised him to see such a beautiful girl in a wheelchair. He started saying that it seems like it would be tough being in a wheelchair and that dating would be difficult. At this point, in my head I am saying oh hell no, he is not going there. The next thing out of his mouth is that dating someone in a wheelchair would be a challenge, but he's up for the job (although I never in a million years would be up for the job of dating him). I kind of just changed the subject and then he leaned over with his flip phone and says, "my full name and number is..." Just then I cut him off and said "oh I'm sorry. I have a boyfriend. His name is Sergio."
I do not have a boyfriend. Sergio is my best friend who is basically like a brother to me and we would never date each other. I feel bad about lying, however, I had to say something because I could not give that guy even an ounce of hope that he would ever be able to date me. Absolutely shocked, he says, "wow I'm surprised that someone would want to date you, because you know, you're in a wheelchair." He said it like he thought he had been the first person on the face of the planet to ever think of dating me. Well, news flash buddy, I am very dateable still. Then he said, "well, I already have a girlfriend anyway" (I think he was trying to act like me turning him down was no big deal) "she has glasses...and she's overweight." If he was trying to make me jealous that was a very strange way of doing so. Then he said that well, she wasn't actually his girlfriend, they were just thinking of maybe going on a date. Next thing I know, he starts throwing a pity party for himself and says, "nobody ever wants to date me, I've never even been on a date." Still trying to be nice I said that he'd surely find someone someday.
Before I left he said, "you know, you could've told me yesterday that you had a boyfriend." I told him that I just thought he was being nice and that I didn't realize what his intentions were. Am I supposed to just tell every guy that I meet right away that I don't want to date them? No. So instead, I get to wait and find out if they are some creep or jerk or if they have some weird wheelchair fetish (yes, that is a thing). Oh, what fun it is being a disabled woman.
I was sitting at the bus stop reading a book, when all of a sudden I realized someone was talking to me. So I looked up and it was some guy. He had short, curly hair and a lot of acne, and right away he seemed pretty odd. First he was telling me how he was almost born blind (I think he was trying to relate with my disability in a weird way), but then he said he thought being born blind would be no big deal and that he could've handled it, which was frustrating because he was TOTALLY undermining the struggles that people with disabilities have. Then he started talking to me about the school shuttles, which all students get to ride for free, and says how it's pretty great getting to ride it for free. Just as I was about to agree with him he says, "yeah people in wheelchairs get everything for free" (and in my head I'm thinking, you know, except for the ability to WALK). I was pretty shocked when he said that, but I kept my cool and just tried to be polite, because something definitely seemed to be off with him. To be honest, I felt a bit like I was talking to a little kid; I kept smiling and nodding to what he was saying and trying to be nice, but I just wanted to leave. Finally the shuttle came to my rescue and I left, slightly frustrated.
The next day, I was again at the bus stop trying to head back to the dorms. I had my headphones in and had completely forgotten about what had happened the previous day when suddenly I hear someone talking to me. It was the same, strange guy that I had talked to the day before. This time he told me how he had been wondering if he would see me again at the bus stop and how he was shocked that it had actually happened. He started talking about how he doesn't see many people in wheelchairs and how when he does, typically they are men. He said it surprised him to see such a beautiful girl in a wheelchair. He started saying that it seems like it would be tough being in a wheelchair and that dating would be difficult. At this point, in my head I am saying oh hell no, he is not going there. The next thing out of his mouth is that dating someone in a wheelchair would be a challenge, but he's up for the job (although I never in a million years would be up for the job of dating him). I kind of just changed the subject and then he leaned over with his flip phone and says, "my full name and number is..." Just then I cut him off and said "oh I'm sorry. I have a boyfriend. His name is Sergio."
I do not have a boyfriend. Sergio is my best friend who is basically like a brother to me and we would never date each other. I feel bad about lying, however, I had to say something because I could not give that guy even an ounce of hope that he would ever be able to date me. Absolutely shocked, he says, "wow I'm surprised that someone would want to date you, because you know, you're in a wheelchair." He said it like he thought he had been the first person on the face of the planet to ever think of dating me. Well, news flash buddy, I am very dateable still. Then he said, "well, I already have a girlfriend anyway" (I think he was trying to act like me turning him down was no big deal) "she has glasses...and she's overweight." If he was trying to make me jealous that was a very strange way of doing so. Then he said that well, she wasn't actually his girlfriend, they were just thinking of maybe going on a date. Next thing I know, he starts throwing a pity party for himself and says, "nobody ever wants to date me, I've never even been on a date." Still trying to be nice I said that he'd surely find someone someday.
Before I left he said, "you know, you could've told me yesterday that you had a boyfriend." I told him that I just thought he was being nice and that I didn't realize what his intentions were. Am I supposed to just tell every guy that I meet right away that I don't want to date them? No. So instead, I get to wait and find out if they are some creep or jerk or if they have some weird wheelchair fetish (yes, that is a thing). Oh, what fun it is being a disabled woman.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Sick and Starting My Second Semester
I have officially started my second semester of college. Although I was mostly excited for today and yesterday, I also was a bit nervous about everything. The things that concerned me the most were whether or not my wheelchair would fit inside the classrooms easily and whether or not I would actually make friends. Much to my surprise, I did not have any problems with either of those things. However, lucky me, I woke up this morning with a horribly painful sore throat, so that has been no fun. Thankfully the Student Health Services has extremely inexpensive cough drops and things of the like, so I bought about a million things to help my sore throat.
Other than getting sick, so far things are great. I seem to be getting right back into the swing of things and so far I am really enjoying my classes. This semester I am taking a creative writing class, an English class, a Spanish class and a German class. So far I like my German class the best, because the professor is really cool and the teaching style is unlike any other class I have ever taken. The class is taught almost completely in German, which was absolutely crazy at first and I still have no clue what half of the stuff my professor said meant, but then things started clicking and I was just able to figure out some of the things he was saying and it was really awesome.
My other classes were good too, with English coming in second place as far as cool professors go. My English professor came in late, and was immediately unhappy with the room, cursing left and right about how it didn't have a projector and things were all broken down. One guy said he was savage and I'm pretty sure the whole class agreed. He is definitely a no-nonsense professor, but I talked to him after class and he was extremely nice. My Spanish class seems like it will be nice as well, but I'm worried it will be too easy. At the same time, I think it may help me perfect my Spanish so I think I will stay in it. Lastly, my creative writing class seems like it will be a lot of work, but the professor is funny so I think that will make up for it. He does smell disgustingly like cigarettes though (which I just found out will be banned on my campus come fall, so that's exciting).
In some classes I already knew a few people and in others I made some friends, and I even met some guy on the shuttle who was very nice. The last few days have been great though and I am looking forward to the rest of the semester, but I will miss my friends and family back home (even though you did get me sick, mom). I guess I will just have to wait and see how things go and let you all know what happens.
Other than getting sick, so far things are great. I seem to be getting right back into the swing of things and so far I am really enjoying my classes. This semester I am taking a creative writing class, an English class, a Spanish class and a German class. So far I like my German class the best, because the professor is really cool and the teaching style is unlike any other class I have ever taken. The class is taught almost completely in German, which was absolutely crazy at first and I still have no clue what half of the stuff my professor said meant, but then things started clicking and I was just able to figure out some of the things he was saying and it was really awesome.
My other classes were good too, with English coming in second place as far as cool professors go. My English professor came in late, and was immediately unhappy with the room, cursing left and right about how it didn't have a projector and things were all broken down. One guy said he was savage and I'm pretty sure the whole class agreed. He is definitely a no-nonsense professor, but I talked to him after class and he was extremely nice. My Spanish class seems like it will be nice as well, but I'm worried it will be too easy. At the same time, I think it may help me perfect my Spanish so I think I will stay in it. Lastly, my creative writing class seems like it will be a lot of work, but the professor is funny so I think that will make up for it. He does smell disgustingly like cigarettes though (which I just found out will be banned on my campus come fall, so that's exciting).
In some classes I already knew a few people and in others I made some friends, and I even met some guy on the shuttle who was very nice. The last few days have been great though and I am looking forward to the rest of the semester, but I will miss my friends and family back home (even though you did get me sick, mom). I guess I will just have to wait and see how things go and let you all know what happens.
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