Disabled. Powerful. Strong.

As I write this, there are tears streaming down my cheeks. I honestly do not know if I have ever been more upset in my life. Before I explain what happened, I am just going to say this- people who insult people with disabilities are the lowest life form.

I was sitting in the common room of my dorm building and I overheard this guy saying something about someone and saying that she was "crippled" (and he wasn't talking about me). I should mention that this guy and his best friend do not like one of my friends, and although I have done not one single rude thing to them, they have chosen to lump me with my friend and be rude to me. Previously they had just given me the silent treatment, but I had actually thought they were over it, because today his best friend was speaking to me like normal. I could not have been more wrong.

When he said the thing about some girl being "crippled" I turned around and said, "we don't use that term, please." I simply was trying to show him that "crippled" is generally viewed as a derogatory term (although there are some people trying to reclaim it and change the meaning, I'd say overall it has a more negative connotation). I was not being rude, simply trying to make him aware of his word choice. In any other situation I am positive that the person would have apologized or asked what word to use instead (the answer is "disabled," which has the most positive connotation).

The interesting thing is that I was not actually that offended by the word "crippled," I was just trying to give him a better word to use. However, after I corrected him, I was greeted with hostility. He clearly was very angry, because he shouted at me, "CRIPPLED, HANDICAPPED, WHATEVER. IT'S ALL THE SAME. HER LEGS DON'T FUCKING WORK."

I did not even know how to respond, so I just left the room before I started crying. Let me be honest, if I was a confrontational person, I probably would have decked him in the face. I am not the kind of person who wants to deck someone in the face, but man, did I want to. He said those words as a clear attack on me, and I had never before had someone insult me like that for being disabled.

Most of the time when people are being ableist, they do it by accident in the form of condescension. I think this is because there is a general consensus in society that people should not be dicks to people who had no choice about becoming disabled, because anyone, with any skin colour, sexual orientation, or gender can become disabled. Therefore I believe that most ableism is not on purpose. Today I learned that there are actually some people who do not give a single shit about other people's feelings (maybe I should have already known this, but I think I had some hope left for the world).

By this time, I have now stopped crying, but I want to point out that the reason I am writing this, is because no person who is disabled should ever have to experience the type of hatred that I have today. Ableism is NOT acceptable.

I am not just some woman who is "crippled, handicapped, whatever," whose "legs don't fucking work." I am a badass who has gone through more things than most people will in a lifetime. I am stronger than a weak-minded person who feels the need to make someone feel bad about being disabled. I am beautiful and I am smart and I am different, and my disability has made me a better person. I will not apologize for who I am, and if you do not accept me and my disability, then you might as well get out of my way so that I can surround myself with people who will.

Just Call Me Busy Bee

Hello to all of the wonderful people in my life! I just realized that I (as usual) have not blogged in a long time, and unfortunately that is just the way it might have to be, because I am extremely busy this semester. Being busy is actually a good thing though because it keeps me distracted and that has been really great for my mental health.

Currently life is really testing me, but I also feel really happy. I am taking 17 units this semester (18 is the maximum) and my classes are German 201a (my 3rd semester), Italian 100b (2nd semester, for Spanish speakers), Spanish 310 (literary analysis), Spanish 430 (basically the history of Spain taught in Spanish), and an online nutrition class. So basically you could say I don't speak much English in class these days, but I absolutely love it. I'm also going to physical therapy a whopping five days a week and have about a bajillion hours of homework to do at any given moment. What is this "free time" people keep talking about? I've never heard of it.

Lately I've been trying to focus more on myself and the people I love, and I'm feeling very thankful for everything I have in life. Even though sometimes it feels like the world is crashing down around me, I am surrounded by some wonderful people, and I feel like I'm constantly making new friends.

I have been struggling a lot lately with figuring out which people are friendly to me because I'm me and which people are friendly because I'm in a wheelchair. I think a majority of people I come into contact with don't really think the wheelchair is a big deal. They know it's a part of me, but also that there is so much more to me than just that. Unfortunately, in my life there will always be some people who do pity me and make me feel different for being disabled. Sometimes it's accidental or with good intentions, but I would just like to make it clear, I don't need anyone's pity. My life doesn't suck because I'm disabled (Whoa, shocker!) and I actually I don't want to brag, but my life is pretty great in all. Yes, there are aspects of my life that are tough, but doesn't every person have problems in their life?

Speaking of problems, it feels like last semester was forever ago even though it was only a few months ago. Being able to move on and forgive people is a great thing. Wow I am so much happier with myself this semester. It's weird how life throws certain things in your path and you wonder if you'll ever be able to get past them, and then next thing you know you're realizing you survived and you are fine. It's really cool to see how these certain experiences help shape you as a person and help you learn.

I'm looking forward to seeing what things I will learn during the rest of this semester, especially because I've already been dealing with some very interesting experiences so far.

Hopefully the rest of this semester goes smoothly. I'll try to check in more often. Until then.

The Good, the Bad, and the In-Between

The first thing I'd like to say to start this blog is that I sincerely apologize for not having written in a long time. I also would like to say that this post is probably going to get deep and emotional, so if you were looking for some light reading now would be the time to back out.

Let's start with the happy stuff. I love Long Beach. The weather here is incredible and I have made so many wonderful friends since I've moved here. I am currently learning my third and fourth languages, and while it is a huge challenge to try and know four languages, I am working hard to do it. For those of you who do not know, I know English and Spanish already (my Spanish isn't perfect, but I feel pretty confident with it), but now I am learning German, which is extremely difficult and definitely the hardest language yet, and I am learning Italian, which I'm actually picking up fairly easily because of my knowledge of Spanish. I also have been doing really well in physical therapy. Just to give you all an example, in the time from the beginning of last semester to the end of last semester I more than doubled my walking time and distance. I also have regained some mobility in my left foot that I did not have before- hooray for nerves reconnecting! I also have some pretty sexy arm muscles now, but enough bragging about myself.

Now for the less than wonderful things that have been happening in my life. Since I have started this semester I have been on and off sick. First I had anxiety for a week, then I had a cold for a few weeks, then I had an ear infection which was caused by the cold, and then I got a bladder infection. The woman who informed me of my bladder infection gave me bad news and said that the bacteria in my bladder is resistant to nearly all antibiotics except IV antibiotics. So naturally, I freaked out and thought that meant it was some kind of super bacteria that would kill me. Turns out, that lady, who apparently is not even a doctor but is some kind of assistant, did not know what she was talking about and terrified me for no reason. So I took some antibiotics and now I no longer have a bladder infection! Being sick has made my anxiety worse, and to top it off I got to add heartbreak to the mix, so I have been EMOTIONAL.

I don't know if many of you know, but I used to have pretty bad depression in high school, which I would mask with fake smiles and fake happiness. Interestingly enough, the thing that made me get out of my depression was my paralysis, because it made me realize how valuable my life is and that I do not want to waste it being sad all the time. Even though I have been dealing with some tough things lately, I am so proud to say that I have not gone back to that place. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just slip back into it, but I have been pushing through. Even though sometimes it feels like the world is falling apart around me I can honestly say I am still happy. Yes, things suck sometimes, and I have been crying a lot more lately, but there is no shame in that. I feel so much happier when I allow myself to feel all of my emotions, be they good or bad. No matter what though, for my own sanity, I try to always see the bright side of things.

Through all of this I have realized how lucky I am to be surrounded by such amazing, supportive people. I wish I could hug all of you. I have the most amazing family and friends both here in Long Beach and back home. To my roommate Maria, if you are reading this, I love you so much, and thank you for being my family here, because I have no idea what I would do without you. And to everyone else, thank you for continuously being there for me and loving me for all that I am. I am not perfect, and I have a lot that I have to deal with on a regular basis, and I am so lucky to have such incredible people in my life.

I have so many things I want to share with you all about my life, but in truth it is hard to be vulnerable and let people see exactly how you are feeling. However, I will share as much as I possibly can with you because I like letting you into my daily life and because it's actually quite therapeutic to write.

Until my next blog, I love you all so much.

Weird Guys and Bad Lies

Story time! In a previous blog I said I would write about past events every once in a while, so that is what I am doing. This is one of the most bizarre things that happened to me last semester. I hope you enjoy.

I was sitting at the bus stop reading a book, when all of a sudden I realized someone was talking to me. So I looked up and it was some guy. He had short, curly hair and a lot of acne, and right away he seemed pretty odd. First he was telling me how he was almost born blind (I think he was trying to relate with my disability in a weird way), but then he said he thought being born blind would be no big deal and that he could've handled it, which was frustrating because he was TOTALLY undermining the struggles that people with disabilities have. Then he started talking to me about the school shuttles, which all students get to ride for free, and says how it's pretty great getting to ride it for free. Just as I was about to agree with him he says, "yeah people in wheelchairs get everything for free" (and in my head I'm thinking, you know, except for the ability to WALK). I was pretty shocked when he said that, but I kept my cool and just tried to be polite, because something definitely seemed to be off with him. To be honest, I felt a bit like I was talking to a little kid; I kept smiling and nodding to what he was saying and trying to be nice, but I just wanted to leave. Finally the shuttle came to my rescue and I left, slightly frustrated.

The next day, I was again at the bus stop trying to head back to the dorms. I had my headphones in and had completely forgotten about what had happened the previous day when suddenly I hear someone talking to me. It was the same, strange guy that I had talked to the day before. This time he told me how he had been wondering if he would see me again at the bus stop and how he was shocked that it had actually happened. He started talking about how he doesn't see many people in wheelchairs and how when he does, typically they are men. He said it surprised him to see such a beautiful girl in a wheelchair. He started saying that it seems like it would be tough being in a wheelchair and that dating would be difficult. At this point, in my head I am saying oh hell no, he is not going there. The next thing out of his mouth is that dating someone in a wheelchair would be a challenge, but he's up for the job (although I never in a million years would be up for the job of dating him). I kind of just changed the subject and then he leaned over with his flip phone and says, "my full name and number is..." Just then I cut him off and said "oh I'm sorry. I have a boyfriend. His name is Sergio."

I do not have a boyfriend. Sergio is my best friend who is basically like a brother to me and we would never date each other. I feel bad about lying, however, I had to say something because I could not give that guy even an ounce of hope that he would ever be able to date me. Absolutely shocked, he says, "wow I'm surprised that someone would want to date you, because you know, you're in a wheelchair." He said it like he thought he had been the first person on the face of the planet to ever think of dating me. Well, news flash buddy, I am very dateable still. Then he said, "well, I already have a girlfriend anyway" (I think he was trying to act like me turning him down was no big deal) "she has glasses...and she's overweight." If he was trying to make me jealous that was a very strange way of doing so. Then he said that well, she wasn't actually his girlfriend, they were just thinking of maybe going on a date. Next thing I know, he starts throwing a pity party for himself and says, "nobody ever wants to date me, I've never even been on a date." Still trying to be nice I said that he'd surely find someone someday.

Before I left he said, "you know, you could've told me yesterday that you had a boyfriend." I told him that I just thought he was being nice and that I didn't realize what his intentions were. Am I supposed to just tell every guy that I meet right away that I don't want to date them? No. So instead, I get to wait and find out if they are some creep or jerk or if they have some weird wheelchair fetish (yes, that is a thing). Oh, what fun it is being a disabled woman.

Sick and Starting My Second Semester

I have officially started my second semester of college. Although I was mostly excited for today and yesterday, I also was a bit nervous about everything. The things that concerned me the most were whether or not my wheelchair would fit inside the classrooms easily and whether or not I would actually make friends. Much to my surprise, I did not have any problems with either of those things. However, lucky me, I woke up this morning with a horribly painful sore throat, so that has been no fun. Thankfully the Student Health Services has extremely inexpensive cough drops and things of the like, so I bought about a million things to help my sore throat.

Other than getting sick, so far things are great. I seem to be getting right back into the swing of things and so far I am really enjoying my classes. This semester I am taking a creative writing class, an English class, a Spanish class and a German class. So far I like my German class the best, because the professor is really cool and the teaching style is unlike any other class I have ever taken. The class is taught almost completely in German, which was absolutely crazy at first and I still have no clue what half of the stuff my professor said meant, but then things started clicking and I was just able to figure out some of the things he was saying and it was really awesome.

My other classes were good too, with English coming in second place as far as cool professors go. My English professor came in late, and was immediately unhappy with the room, cursing left and right about how it didn't have a projector and things were all broken down. One guy said he was savage and I'm pretty sure the whole class agreed. He is definitely a no-nonsense professor, but I talked to him after class and he was extremely nice. My Spanish class seems like it will be nice as well, but I'm worried it will be too easy. At the same time, I think it may help me perfect my Spanish so I think I will stay in it. Lastly, my creative writing class seems like it will be a lot of work, but the professor is funny so I think that will make up for it. He does smell disgustingly like cigarettes though (which I just found out will be banned on my campus come fall, so that's exciting).

In some classes I already knew a few people and in others I made some friends, and I even met some guy on the shuttle who was very nice. The last few days have been great though and I am looking forward to the rest of the semester, but I will miss my friends and family back home (even though you did get me sick, mom). I guess I will just have to wait and see how things go and let you all know what happens.

Catching Up and Winding Down

I have not written in a very long time. I've had a lot happen to me since the last time I wrote on here. If I tried to catch you up I would have to write a book, but long story short, I got a bladder infection and went through a little rough patch and stopped blogging. However, I will say that overall since then, things have pretty great.

For the last two weeks or so I have tried repeatedly to get back into blogging on a regular schedule, but I would always stop about halfway through. I had like seven different half-written blog posts, but I finally have deleted them all and am now writing this one, which I know I'll finish because I have specifically scheduled time for it.

Yesterday at physical therapy I ran into someone and she said that she started reading my blog and that it inspired her to write her own. Hearing that reminded me why I love blogging and why I  should not stop even when it gets tough- I get to share the real me and I get to let people see what my life is like, whether I am having a great time or struggling, and I get to express myself and share my feelings with the world. That's why I am going to try much harder to be more consistent with my blog and write at least once a week and maybe even twice a week if something super interesting happens or if I want to talk about a certain subject. I am thinking maybe my second one would be a great way to tell some stories of what has happened to me in the past too.

Anyway, now that I have explained my absence, I can tell you what has happened in my life recently. Finals week started yesterday and it will end on Wednesday. Everyone around me is freaking out about their finals, but to be completely honest, I am not the least bit stressed out. I'm actually loving finals week because they are giving away a bunch of free food and having tons of activities. Finals week is fun! Maybe my classes are just easy this semester though. Hopefully it is always this easy.

I am excited about winter break and my first semester of college being over. I will miss my friends over the break but I'm also glad I will get to see my other friends and family at home. I will also be extremely happy to have a home-cooked meal and to see the rain. I miss the rain so much. I mean, it's kind of a pain in the ass having to wheel through the rain and puddles because I get SOAKED, so don't get me wrong I love not having to deal with that here in SoCal, but I miss listening to the rain.

To anyone back home reading this, see you and the rain soon!

Midterms, and Music, and Pizza, Oh My!

I had yet another stressful week, but I think I solved a large number of my problems. I had my first midterm on Thursday in my PoliSci class and it was awful. We had a fifty question test and an essay to write, and the essay question was incredibly confusing. I am just proud of myself for completing it, because I was pretty sure I was going to die. Now I'm trying to stay positive and hope that I did better than I feel like I did. 

I also finally was able to set up physical therapy down here and I will be having my first appointment on Monday. I'm excited to see what PT is like here. I'm sure it will be different (nobody will ever top my physical therapist Emily) but I'm sure it will go well. The only problem is that my first appointment coincides with Jammin' With John, so I may have to call and change the time. 

What is Jammin' With John, you ask? It's an hour long period of music making with the other RA in my building, and it's my new favourite thing to do on Mondays. Honestly I've started looking forward to it every week, because we make up songs and they are always hilarious and it's just a really great place to be. I have made a lot of friends there and the group seems to be growing, so I'm sure I will make a lot more.

Lately, I have been hanging out a lot with my friend Samantha as well, and last weekend we went to this place called South Gate, near where she lives. We went to a pizza place there called Blaze Pizza, where you make your own pizza, and it was really delicious. After that we went shopping and I got a tie-dye top and she got some velvety shoes. I love exploring and seeing the area around Long Beach. There is so much stuff to do and so much diversity. I definitely cannot wait to bring my car here. Then I will really be able to explore everything. 

Now, to update you on that guy who asked for my number. As it turns out, he has children, so basically I beelined it in the other direction. It is so weird to me that now there are dads that can hit on me and they aren't pedophiles. It kind of freaks me out, because I'm not planning on being a mother for another ten thousand years. Luckily, I wasn't looking to be in a relationship anytime soon because I have enough on my plate right now, but even if I was, there are plenty of people out there who aren't fathers yet.

In all, I am loving it in Long Beach and I am continually excited to see what's in store for me here! Update you all later!